Training your human is a thankless task. "Why bother with it?", some ferrets may ask. The fate of the world is the issue at hand, as ferrets worldwide stake a claim for their land. Make no bones about it, we brats own the joint. We poop in the corners to drive home the point.
Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth, But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth. The ferret is the ultimate species, you see, We're poised to usurp man's authority. These silly old humans who cannot play nice! We ferrets are peaceful, we hate only mice.
Just what does training your human entail? A host of fun things you must do without fail: The sofas and rugs need a little makeover. The La-Z-Boy's target for fuzzy takeover. Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath. And make their best clothing a target of wrath.
Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug. Then tatter the pile of the new Berber rug. And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose, paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes. climb up on the dresser. If they give any flack, steel all their jewelry and all bric-a-brac.
Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown, as she's headed out for a night on the town. If they leave you home all alone for the night, (Any human doing this can't be all that bright), They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all right, To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light. Knock over tables and chew up the fern. Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...
When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern. (All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn.) A snide flick of your whiskers will convey no remorse, but they will try harder to scold you, of course! So, hide in the closet until they forget, and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.
Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand, then when they've had all the pain they can stand, dart from the room while they call 9-1-1, and celebrate victory: The ferrets have won! To humans, however, the battle's begun, as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.
Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot, My friend, human dominance is really a hoot. Take charge in your home. It's your destiny, now. (The verses above have already told how.) So sleep for 10 hours, and then grab some chow, And then train your human, beginning right now.
An Adapted Poem By: Becky RVT
"Training Your Human" used with permission. Please email J.D. to obtain permission before reproducing or linking to this page.